Iceman's Descendent Demands Reparations from Descendents of Iceman's Killers

Ötzi the Iceman, a 5,000 year old mummy discovered in the Alps, is causing a legal stir that threatens to engulf at least three countries, as recent writings about the mummy, which researchers now believe is the well-preserved body of a man murdered by several of his fellow villagers, have led one citizen in the Arizona town of Cave Creek to demand reparations for his ancestor's killing.

"I went and saw his pictures in the National Geographic magazine and I look just like him," said Joe Brandt, who claims that his own protruding forehead, bony features, and perpetually perplexed expression suggest a direct evolutionary link between himself and the Iceman. "And if some no good do-gooders got him with an axe, then I think it's only fair I get something out of it."

Brandt, who has been following the Iceman with interest ever since he was fired from his job as Assistant Junior Mechanic in the Cave Creek Gas Mart for failing to show up at work, says he's still only beginning to understand how the Iceman's death has greatly affected him.

"Who knows how things would have turned out if the Iceman was still alive," Brandt told a local TV station, "Maybe it'd be me with my own Gas Mart, me with my own money, and not them Mulligan brothers. But the Iceman was taken from me before I was even born, and I deserve justice for that."

When asked what he thinks that justice should be, Brandt made his demands clear.

"I want the Mulligen brothers put on trial and locked up. I want their Gas Mart given to me. And I want all that land up there in Europe that belonged to my grand grand pappy returned to its rightful owner. Me."

The Iceman, who historians believe was fleeing from deadly pursuers during the last days of his life, made a substantial trek through the Alps before he was shot with an arrow and killed in the frigid cold that has preserved his body until now. Although the Iceman's exact land possessions are impossible to know, if Brandt makes it to court and wins, he could be awarded pricey tracts of land in both Italy and Austria.

In addition, Brandt is also seeking significant monetary compensation, based on the historical consensus that the Iceman, who had an ornate dagger on his body when he died, was one of the wealthier and most respected members of his village. Brandt's newly-appointed lawyer, the New York-trained Maxwell Levy, estimates the Iceman's worth at nearly $300 million at the time of the murder.

"It may only be a dagger and a handful of arrowheads," said Levy, "but we have to keep that in a certain perspective. It was a different world five-thousand years ago. Therefore, we have to look at these objects and then factor in technologies and advances such as language, which led to more efficient bartering, the theory and practical application of money, and inflation. Plus, we have to look at certain other possibilities. For instance, if banking had existed at the time of the Iceman, who's to say that he wouldn't have invested his dagger. Five-thousand years later, that dagger would be worth a small fortune."

Although Brandt said that it's not up to him to identify the Iceman's killers, he did propose his own theory on who the killers were.

"If I was to reckon anything, I'd reckon it was the forefathers of them Mulligan brothers, Don and Jeremy, over at the old Gas Mart. Yeah, it's probably them alright. They ain't never liked me much. Once, in elementary school, Don Mulligan licked his finger and stuck it straight up into my ear. The bastard."

Maxwell Levy, on the other hand, believes that no actual culprit has to be found for the case to be successful.

"I don't think this is an individual crime. It's a crime perpetrated by a hateful society. And it's that society which should be held accountable. The governments of Italy and Austria have so far dodged responsibility for the heinous murder of the Iceman, but it's now my job to force them to rethink their hateful attitude," Levy told reporters, "In many ways, it's not about money. It's about recognizing serious faults within ourselves and our neighbours. It's that respect that I'm fighting for, respect and recognition for the victim."

Levy said later that he planned to focus part of his case on the need for an Iceman memorial to be erected in Rome and Vienna, so that future generations would never forget what had taken place on their soil. He also said that, if given the chance, he would call witnesses to stand before the World Court to tell the world how the Iceman's murder has changed their lives.

Despite the fact that many legal pundits do not believe Brandt able to legally prove his biological link to the 5,000 year-old mummy, and therefore believe him unable to extract reparations from anyone, others suggest that the 54-year old unemployed mechanic has gathered enough public support to turn the odds in his favour.

"If my case gets thrown out, then it's only because the world hates folks from Cold Creek," Brandt said in response to his critics, "Ever since I can remember, back to the elementary school days, I've been persecuted for who I am. Just look at them Mulligan brothers, always hating me because I was born in Cold Creek and they was from Apache Junction."

"It's an important, groundbreaking case," Levy summed up at the end of a legal hearing on Tuesday, "It means that the world can no longer be silent, the world can no longer look away. The Iceman was murdered, and he shall now have his reckoning."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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