Mariners GM Signs Wife to 7-Year, $170 Million Deal

Seattle Mariners GM Bill Bavasi ended weeks of speculation on Monday by re-signing current wife, Mrs. Bavasi, to a new 7-year, $170 million deal. The agreement, which nearly doubles what Mrs. Bavasi would have made this year under her old contract, will see the couple live out their marriage until at least the 2014-5 season, and will prevent Mrs. Bavasi from testing the free agent market next summer.

"I'm ecstatic we could work something out, it's a wonderful outcome," Bavasi said in a morning press conference at which he announced the much-anticipated deal. "It was a tough slog of a negotiation at times, but our agents knew how to compromise and we were finally able to get the papers signed and that's all that matters."

"I also love my wife," he added.

Asked about specifics in the negotiation, Bavasi went on to explain, "It was all rather simple. Taking into account that my wife is now 36 years old and no longer in the prime years of her career, I wanted something short-term, in the 3-5 year range, while she wanted something substantially longer. In the end, it really all came down to trading bonuses and conditions for length."

Although the details are not yet available and Bavasi refused to comment on the subject, several baseball insiders have speculated that these conditions include clauses which will force Bavasi to cut the grass at least once a week and help out around the house when necessary, as well as the so-called "fidelity clause", which will see substantial bonuses headed Mrs. Bavasi's way if Mr. Bavasi so much as looks at another woman.

"What's important is not who this deal benefits more, myself or my wife, but rather that we can both look forward to seven more years of marriage, and that the Mariners organization can now focus solely on resigning Ichiro Suzuki."

However, not everyone is as pleased. And at least one rival husband and lifelong Mariner fan is doing something about it. Jimmy Helm, a 42-year from Seattle, has started a website to protest Mrs. Bavasi's deal.

His mission, Helm said in an interview, is to make husbands all across America aware of the deal and its consequences.

"I don't think men realize what this deal means. It's a precedent. It will set expectations. This deal will destroy marriage as men have come to enjoy it. Can you imagine what will happen if our wives start demanding similar conditions?"

Until the contract is rescinded, Helm and the nearly five-thousand signatories on his site will be boycotting all Seattle Mariner and Major League Baseball merchandise. But they will still watch the games on television.

"Of course we'll watch. The enemy is not the player who goes out every day and plays hard to get the win. The enemy is that godless shrew and her husband."

Although the protests have so far come almost squarely from married men, some bachelors are also starting to take notice.

"Used to be that all you needed to get a woman and get married was a car and some kind of job. So I put off marriage and went out drinking with my buddies every night. But now I'm getting older and I'm thinking about getting hitched, and suddenly it's looking like I'll actually have to do housework and stuff," bemoaned a 27-year old single man from Cincinnati.

Bavasi, however, refuses to acknowledge any far-reaching consequences of his deal. "It's just one contract between two people. It's getting blown out of all proportion. In seven years, it'll be over and no one will be any better or worse for it except me."

Asked by a reporter if this meant that he already had a replacement for his wife lined up, Bavasi simply smiled.

"I've been doing some scouting in the Minors, sure," he confessed. "But you have to understand, in my profession, the future is always the first thing on your mind."


Anonymous said...

You should do some actual research on the impact Ichiro has on the game of 'baseball' in terms of runs created, win shares, etc. before providing baseball commentary which provides little humour to those with any sports knowledge.

Brother Slawson said...

I thought this was quite humorous... I got a good chuckle with the overall idea, as well as many of the details... :)