Bush Condemns World's "Small Countries"

In a rare moment of unscripted candidness, American President George Bush spent time away from answering questions at a recent speech to students at the University of Kansas to voice his displeasures and concerns about small countries.

"Small countries complicate everything and end up attacking each other a lot," the President stated, "not to mention that it's hard to find them on maps."

Bush said he remembered the simplicity of the Cold War, and sometimes wished back to the days when there were only two countries in the world.

"Even though we didn't like each other, at least we knew where the other guy was coming from. Nowadays, I can barely keep up with all these new countries, let alone know what they want. Sure, I can still find Russia, and Canada, and China's not too much trouble, and Australia's the big island. But the rest of them, it can be difficult."

As for Mexico, "It's not really small, but it'd still be better if we could make a state out of it."

Bush then praised the pioneering efforts of the European Union to simplify the world's geography.

"At a time when countries seem to be splitting up rather than joining together, I applaud the efforts of the European Union to act a little bit more selflessly," said Bush. Adding, "It's about time a fairly big country like Germany took matters into its own hands and decided to unite the continent."

Still, according to the President, the European Union is the exception. And there are plenty of examples of small countries only leading to trouble.

"Take the Middle East. The biggest trouble spot in the world today, and it's absolutely filled with dinky, little countries. But just imagine how quickly they'd all make peace if someone went there and made a Middle Eastern Union. One country, no more fighting."

This need to unite was especially true of countries with similar sounding names, Bush continued.

"Iraq and Iran are right next to each other and only one letter different. Why are they two countries? If they'd have joined together five or six years ago, then we'd only have to invade once. And God Almighty knows what the world needs is less wars."

Asked if that was a reasonable and realistic solution, Bush answered by drawing on the experience of the United States itself.

"Just look at us. We're a great example of what I'm talking about. Each of our states is like a little country in itself, but we've got a whole fifty of them in what we call America. Now, wouldn't the whole international situation be a heck of a lot simpler if North and South Korea just followed the lead of North and South Dakota?"

Bush then switched tone, becoming more philosophical, as he speculated on how smaller states would fare in the arena of politics in the years to come.

"I don't think they'll do well," the President stated bluntly. "Just imagine what it'll be like once we discover extra-terrestrial lifeforms. The big countries won't have any problems, because you can see them well enough from up in space. But if you're one of those small countries, then how are the aliens ever going to see you, let alone be able to make out what you're called."

He then held up a map of the world and demonstrated how larger countries will take the lead in inter-planetary trade based on the fact that they have more physical space on which to write their names.

"The United States, for example, will be able to use a much bigger font than, say, Greece. As a result, Americans will thrive in the Martian markets while the Grecians will fall more and more behind."

The American President finished his speech by thanking the enraptured students but urging patience and caution.

"Obviously, a world government, one really big country, will be an ideal solution for the future. But we need to take baby steps first. After all, small countries are countries, too. And they can tie up military resources just like the big ones. You can't change horses in mid-stream until the mission's accomplished," he concluded.


Sachin G. said...


Sarcasm or mind-reading? I don't know which to congratulate you on :)

Anonymous said...

Is that for real? Did he really say that? I would be even more surprised if someone were to give him an honorary PhD degree in philosophy. :P

jawel said...

pretty funny

good article

Anonymous said...

this has got to be an Onion article...

Anonymous said...

What are you fucking shittin me!? Jesus Christ! He's a mad man!!! Small counties are hard to find so lets get rid of them!? wtf, more like small counties will be hard to deal with when America is triyng to take over the fucking world, well I'll die before you get my wee bit hill and glen you fucks, bring it -.-

And why would aliens ever want to make contact with a bunch of caveman like us, we can't hold our own shit together for 5 mins, never mind deal with something like that

America, your president make you all look like retards to the rest of the world, sorry.

Anonymous said...

I do hope you realize that article is complete bullshit... All of that would have been all over T.V. if he had actually said it. And you foreigners, don't hate just because your country blows compared to ours :)

aura said...

What a fool, this is just what the fedural bank wants, and then we will all be under one super power which will just cause the rich to become even richer and the poor to become poorer, if anything this should be stopped in till the federal bank is sorted out

Minds_Alliance said...

wdf I'm from the island of Malta.
Thank the small countries idiot.
If it wasn't for Malta, The Russians would have got to Germany 2 weeks before the allies did ..and all the countries around germany would be commie.
Oh yeah ..and if it wasn't for us, the Mediterranean would be all Muslim..
2 Great Sieges my people endured ..for you european/american Bastards...to talk about Small countries like this.

Now if Bush was a turk or a Russian or a germany, I would have just laughed ...but hes just an idiot.

You need Nuclear weapons to take over This LIttle country .cos you'd need to drop it away from us....but the bombs you can USE will make us laugh. More bombs fell over Malta in a year than London in 3 years.

Hitler Once said "WIPE MALTA OFF THE MAP"


Ash. said...

Are you actually kidding me?! This is genuinely terrifying.

Being a Brit... we're a pretty small country. How selfish of us.

Maybe we should paint the whole country bright pink when we write our name on it for the Martians. You know, so it stands out on his maps.

Good luck America

Anonymous said...

Hey Malta man, don't group an entire country of people together and label them so carelessly. I'm an American, and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed that there's someone in the executive branch that can barely read a map, let alone find your country. I think smaller counties have just as much to contribute as larger countries.

Killuminati said...

Yer that sounds about up to bush's standard of thought and reasoning. Bush is a fucking idiot and a puppet for Karl Rove and friends. As for the retard who said that this would be all over the news if Mr. Bush said these things. You are truly stupid, if you didn't know they control the media. About 5 or 6 people own all the major media in all the world. One is Rupert Murdoch a conservative right-wing bigot just like bush. Mr. Murdoch uses his powers over the media to push his beliefs. Go watch "Outfoxed" AND "Orwell Rolls in his Grave." Find out for yourself.

Anonymous said...

hehehe thanks for a good read!

you had me going there for a minute, but the moment bush paused and looked philosophical just gave it away. The rest of it was very believable. Even the aliens bit.

...you can actually picture that idiot you guys call your leader saying every word o that =)

Anonymous said...

the comments are funier than the article lol