RIAA Sues 11-Year Old For Not Buying Latest Hilary Duff Album

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced yesterday that it intends to sue an 11-year old Massachusetts girl for not buying Hilary Duff's newest album, Dignity.


Lindsay Gale, the person singled out by the RIAA, says that while she doesn't know what the RIAA is, her mom told her the accusations are serious. Holding back tears, she tried to defend her actions and explain why she didn't buy the album, in a yet to be aired TV interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper.

"I got the last Hilary Duff CD," Gale sobbed, "but I didn't really like it. I mean I still have it. It's not like I gave it to my friend or anything. But when I heard some songs from this new one on the radio they were even worse than the songs on that one. So I didn't buy it. I'm so sorry. I'll never not buy anything again. I swear. Please don't send me to jail or take mommy's house away."

She then gave in to her emotions and buried her tear-streamed face in her hands as Cooper cleared his throat and asked her to cry only once she had answered all of his questions.


The RIAA, however, warns against what it calls such "little girl" tactics.

"It's all a clever ploy on her behalf to appear the victim here, when, in fact, the victim is another young girl, whose below-expected album sales have also taken a significant toll on her emotions. But the media won't show you Hilary Duff crying on the couch in her high-rise Manhattan apartment. No, they'll only show you Lindsay Gale. It's an unfortunate bias."

Although Hilary Duff could not be reached for confirmation of her feelings, her website, usually colourful and full of semi-nude pictures of the teen star, was, today, replaced by a single black page with the following message to fans:

"Hilary Duff thanks you for your support at this difficult time. She will be releasing an album based on this heartbreak early next year to tell her side of the story. Pre-order on Amazon starting tomorrow."

Her record label, Hollywood Records, did, however, send a spokesperson to meet with fans and media in New York later in the day. When Lindsay Gale's name came up during this meeting, the spokesperson, who did not give her name, made clear the record label's legal position.

"When our analysts prepare fiscal expectations for a given quarter, they follow a certain system," she explained, "For each album, we devise a very precise target demographic and market aggressively and almost exclusively to that demographic. We then assume that every person who falls within that demographic will buy the album, and use that assumption to calculate profit. If, for some reason, our actual earnings do not match with our estimate, we announce a loss. Even if we still make a profit."

This applies to Lindsay Gale, the spokesperson went on, because Gale was in the demographic designed for the Duff album.

"Gale fit all of our criteria. She was the right age, wasn't doing very well in school, was easily swayed by peer pressure, watched over four hours of television a day, and had purchased all of Duff's older records. She was what we call a sure thing in the music business."


Except, in this case, Gale proved elusive. For reasons Hollywood Records says it cannot understand, Gale never made the purchase.

"When Gale decided not to buy the Duff record, she was, quite simply, committing theft," said the spokesperson, "I don't know how much clearer I can be. Our board, our investors assumed she would spend her $22.95 on Dignity. All of our expensive research pointed to it. And when she didn't give us her mother's money, she, in effect, reached into our pockets, and into the pockets of all the people who work for us and all of the artists who are signed to us, and took out a substantial amount of revenue. It was a childish, selfish, illegal thing to do. How are we supposed to do business if people don't all act in a way we can predict and take advantage of?"

"Lindsay Gale is a criminal and probably uses drugs and supports terrorism," the spokesperson concluded, to raptures of applause.


But, not everyone shares the view of Hollywood Records. First to step into the ring on the side of the beleaguered 11-year old was Susan Grey, writer with The New York Times and long time defender of the little man. The day after Hollywood Records publicly denounced Gale as a criminal, the Times published a long editorial by Grey on its front page.

"I would never blame an 11-year old for what's happened," wrote Grey in her piece, "No, I think that the full responsibility for this crime rests on the shoulders of Lindsay Gale's mother. I know that when my daughter didn't want to buy a Lindsay Lohan CD a few years ago, I bought it for her anyway, even though I was sure she wouldn't listen to it. But I sat her down, subtracted $19.95 from her allowance, and I told her that this is her new CD and that she can do what she wants with it. As long as she doesn't make a backup copy for herself, share it on the Internet, or give it to a friend. In the end, it's all about setting examples and being responsible. It's common sense and a respect for the common good. By allowing Lindsay to not buy Dignity, Mrs. Gale has displayed anarchic tendencies that are at odds with the very spirit and moral fibre of our great country."

Grey went on to write that while one album sale is not a major offense in itself, if left unchecked it can lead to more serious non-purchases.

"First it's a CD, then it's a movie ticket, then it's a Playstation 2. And, before you know it, you find yourself suddenly having to spend more time talking with your child. Or having to wait in the car while they browse books in the library. It's one album sale, sure, but it's a gateway sale."

The issue of Gale and the unbought album even reached as far as Washington, when a young reporter brought it up during the daily White House briefing to loud jeers on the part of the more-established press. Although the Administration refused to take sides on the issue, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow did hint at the government's position.

"Look, if we're going to be honest with each other, then let's rely on the facts and not throw around opinions. Science has proven that children are especially susceptible to what they see and hear. Young minds are like vessels waiting to be filled. And the more they're filled with songs like Stranger or Play With Fire, the less room there is left for the Islamic extremists to target and exploit."


He added, "Think of pop music as a condom you can pull over your child's mind to prevent it from becoming addled with the diseases one finds in books, which pass from dirty hand to dirty hand, carrying the germs of ideas just waiting to enter nubile young minds. In pop music, there are no germs, no ideas. Pop music is pure."

When asked if he had any advice for patriotic parents who believed their children may only be pretending to listen to pop music, while secretly reading books or discussing current events with their friends, Snow told parents to be ever vigilant and set a good example.

"Try not to leave books lying around the house, and try not to raise serious issues at the dinner table if your children are present. With boys, you might want to enroll them in sports that have a high risk of head injury, such as boxing or football. With girls, letting your daughter stay out late with boys can often be a viable solution, as a teen pregnancy will drastically cut down the time your daughter can spend on reading, education, and constructing bombs."

Snow concluded by comparing Lindsay Gale to a young Palestinian suicide bomber exploding herself in a crowded Israeli market.

"Although these children may have been manipulated by malicious adults, they remain a very, very dangerous threat and will be dealt with accordingly. In a perfect world, we would like to save all of them. But we don't live in a perfect world, and reality dictates that sometimes we have to make tough choices. Some children are simply too far gone to save."

Prodded by reporters if he was making a specific reference to Lindsay Gale, Snow said, "As I stated earlier, the White House has no official position on this matter."

It still remains to be seen whether the RIAA will be able to make anything of its case against the 11-year old once both sides go before a judge, but one thing is certain. The trial has already taken place in the court of the public mind; and, there, little Lindsay Gale has been judged guilty.

For, as the graffiti freshly painted on Mrs. Gale's garage door plainly sums up, the American public, thoroughly inundated with RIAA propaganda, believes in justice above all:

"Hang the thievin cunt," the drying paint says.

24 comments:

Casey said...

i sure hope i don't get sued for noy buying hilary duffs album.

Anonymous said...

This is clearly a joke. You can't be sued for not buying some teeny-boppers pop trash. I wonder how long these people take to sit down and think these things up? Its entertaining to be sure, but its not real.

Henry said...

^^^
Of course it a joke, jesus christ. You're a waste of fucking space on this planet.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if this is a joke or if it is real, i'll check the sources again but... if this really is real the RIAA needs to suck a dummy and abandon their own right to exist. If this was intended as a joke article you had me fooled. Although it isn't amusing though. Makes it look outrageous.

Anonymous said...

At anonymous 1 & 2: You are a fucking idiot. Seriously.

Although, the fact that even below average individuals might believe something like this speaks volumes about the absurdity of the RIAA's policies.

..Damn I'm harsh. "Below average individuals"? I'm just kidding. I love you :D.

DOWN WITH RIAA!!

THEY HATE US FOR OUR FREEDOM!!

Anonymous said...

The most depressing thing is that some readers don't instantly realize it's a joke. That's either a shot and your education, or a clear sign that the RIAA is so far over the line, the the general populace believes them capable of anything. Take your pick.

Anonymous said...

I deplore the digital millenium copyright act and the hypocritical morons that conceived it. The supreme irony to me is that Sony was instrumental in developing the CD burner. Then a couple of years after they bring the device to market, they start threatening to sue us and generally treat us like criminals if we DARE to use the product that they invented. Fuckin' hysterical.

I keep waiting for Random House to sue somebody for checking a book out of the library instead of buying it like a good little consumer. Oh wait, I forgot. Nobody reads books any more.

I will continue to distribute copies of absolutely any media I fucking please to anyone that asks me for them with one caveat: I will never charge a cent. Because that WOULD be stealing.

Anonymous said...

its a joke, i mean, what kind of spokesman during a news conference would say an 11 year old girl "supports terrorisim". not to mention you cant be sued for deciding not to buy an album :P

Anonymous said...

are you freaking kidding me?!?! suing an 11 year old for not buying a crappy cd????

David said...

I as the other anon said will continue to also SHARE what ever the fuck I want and will not be threatened by these small nut sacked individuals that call themselves the RIAA, as for Hillary Duff, I shit better sounds than she puts out on cd.

Anonymous said...

you poor loves have obviously lead a life without the joy of irony (the statement of untruths for comedic effect, somebody tell alanis morrissette)

Anonymous said...

Well it doesn't matters if it's a joke or not but it could by true maybe not today but tomorrow. And that is frightening isn't it?
And what is more important things against law can't be easily exterminated and never will be.
And this is for every USA citizen not everyone who is not your friend always is your enemy and a terrorist or a terrorist supporter.I hope you now, so be nice and don't nuke us out into the stone age.
For people like me, no USA citizen it's offen strange or even unbeliavable what for things are possible in your country.
Pravo USA je niekedy naozaj chore.

Anonymous said...

You should be sued for listening to that kind of music!

Anonymous said...

theriaa deserves a kick in the balls...even if this is a joke seriously if someone downs a song of the net its not gonna hurt anybody but the riaa just make it such a big deal example: since u downloaded hilary duffs new album she wont be able to get her new lambo gallorado until next month.
OMFG!

Relic said...

Wow. This is the most retarded article I have ever read. I bet you all my pirated software and copied music that Hilary Duff probably doesn't even give a rat's ass about this whole thing in the first place. She's not going to miss the 5 bucks or less she gets off that one CD. Who really cares are the record companies, agents and managers because they are a bunch of blood sucking, money leaching whores that will never be happy with all the riches they have. They think that just because they spend money on all this research that people automaticaly have to buy the product just because they fit the criteria?! That's so gay. Crappy music is crappy music.

Not that I like Hilary Duff or anything. Her music is worthless to me and I wouldn't wanna do her either. The fact that anybody would compare an 11 year old with a terrorist and even say shit like kids can't be seeing books lying around the house or can't do their school work because pop music is pure and helps keep their mind straight. Corect me if I'm wrong, but when you hear a pop station on the radio, all they ever talk about is who cheated on who, drugs, dirty dancing and all other kinds of profanity and adultery that no kid should listen to in the first place. These people are all retarded and they need to be raped and stangled, just like Cannibal Corpse wants them to be. :)

I definitly have done my share of cd copying, but I have always been willing to buy a cd if I like it. I would rather the original copy of something worth buying. Most people probably feel the same way. NOBody wants to pay for a full CD if theres a good chance it sucks

Anonymous said...

it has to be a joke who the fuck would support listening to pop music calling it pure. It FUCKING SUCKS

Anonymous said...

i wouldnt be surprised at all if the RIAA tried this in a few years from now, its the insaine government and insatiable lust for murder and violence of the united states that makes me love living in canada, a place where i dont really fear anything, not a thing.

Niklas said...

all you people who said "this might be true", or "this might be true in the future"......jesus christ, wake up and face the real world. not even in US can you sue an 11 year old girl for something like that. its a hilarious joke seeing as RIAA probably would do such thing if they could. in fact....these fake interviews are right on spot! brilliant! the author of this made it even better by referring to terrorists,something that US has come to fear so much.

for everyone who doesnt fully understand this. This is political comedy at its best. enough said.

jkfan87 said...

To the people saying that this is a joke...you are wrong. It is only a joke if it has humor in it. Some high school child's idea of humor is not actual humor. Tpo the little girl who wrote this online diary...don't quit your day job. You are not in the slightest bit funny. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

not funny.

Anonymous said...

this is some pretty bad satire

Anonymous said...

Hehe.

It ain't funny till it polarizes.

Good job!

Anonymous said...

That was absolutely hilarious and made some great points as well. And guys - of course it's a joke.

That said, the RIAA are certainly willing to bring charges to kids who pirate stuff, and they have in the past. Bastards.

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